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Bring Him Home

You were my faith. I hated praying, hated all of that before I met you. But then I prayed, and you came, and you left, and I prayed. So what do I do now? Who do I pray to when you’re lying, lifeless at my feet? When my knees buckle and hit the dirt, who do I call for help? Help to mend the ache in my chest and breathe life back into your lungs. God?

God.

Please.

Bring him home to me.

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Continued Journey

It’s been 44 days since my last blog post about how many changes I’ve made in my life. It’s interesting to look back at a time that seems like forever ago, but also just yesterday. It’s strange. Moving is easier for me now, eating better is still challenging, and I could be doing much more to fix that. But change is not a linear experience. There are times when I don’t want to get up off of my couch, and then there are days when I want to get up and go. I have begun to feel somewhat restless at home when I used to want to stay there all day, every day.

I’m noticing all of these changes in how I think as well, where I once would drive past a Wendy’s and crave a spicy chicken sandwich, now I hardly notice the establishment is there. When I think about going for a walk, I’m no longer worrying about how much it’s going to ache during and after.

The changes are subtle and altogether subconscious, but I’m proud of them. It means that habits are being broken, it means that my body is healthier, it means that my mind is healthier. There are even times when I’ve set up exercise time with a friend and they bail on me, and I don’t use that as an excuse to just sit around – I go for the walk, myself.

I’ve lost 14 pounds so far, and that’s a slow progress as it too me 3 months to get there, but I’m still proud of it. And in the end, it’s not about losing weight so much as it is about being in less pain, being less worried about my health, and moving around with more ease – all of which is happening already, and will only continue.

Day 95 of my new lease on life, and I’m not regretting a single thing.

Changes

For a long time I’ve felt like it was too late for me to change the kind of person I am. I may only be 26 years old (going on 27) but I felt like… I knew who I was and while I didn’t like it, there was nothing I could do to change it. I felt resigned to this version of myself that I hated, that made me feel guilty, tired, and hopeless.

I don’t think that anymore.

The past 50 days I’ve changed so much about my life. I’ve stopped eating fast food and stopped drinking pop. I got myself a fitbit and I’ve started tracking my movement, food intake, and sleep patterns. I’ve cleaned my entire apartment, and KEPT it clean. I’ve taken it upon myself to get out more, I went on a nature walk with my camera and took photos of nice things. I started a podcast with some friends about my favorite television show.

I’ve done so much in just 50 days, and I’ve never felt more proud of myself. Every day, I’m learning new things to cook, new ways to cook them, I’m burning food, and rightfully feeling disappointed but not letting it discourage me. I’ve met my daily step goal two days in a row now (I’ve only had my fitbit for a week haha) and I just… I’m happy.

It’s been a while, and I still have a long ways to go. I have at least 40 pounds to lose, I have a food palette to widen, I have to keep my apartment clean, and after summer is over I’ll have to do all of that PLUS balance a full schoolwork load.

But for the first time, I’m not scared of failing. If the past 50 days have shown me anything it’s that I am not weak, I have will power, and I can do it. Things aren’t going to be easy, but it IS possible. I can do it.

30 Days.

Addictions are hard, man… any and all types. It bugs me that people don’t see fast food/junk food/pop as things that have the ability to be addicting. People can genuinely get addicted to anything. I’ve been struggling a long time with food and eating. I am not the most skilled cook (to say the LEAST) and i rely of the fattiest foods for sustenance because they are cheap and easy. After a while it’s hard to quit those foods. It’s incredibly hard to change the way you live on a daily level. I used to eat nothing but fast food and drink nothing but pop(soda, whatever THIS ISNT THE POINT). But I felt like complete and utter shit because of it. I was dehydrated and malnourished and now I have digestion problems that i’m still currently trying to figure out what they are.

30 days ago I stopped eating fast food and 29 days ago I stopped drinking pop. I’ve felt better overall. Less sluggish, moving is easier, but I’m still not feeling 100%. I have a lot of heartburn problems, I can’t eat certain foods, or else I feel like my chest is literally on fire and I can’t sleep well sometimes because of it.

My whole life I’ve basically just eaten what was easy and what tastes good. Now at 26 I have to figure out what to do because my body hates what I’ve done to it. For as long as I can remember I’ve been ashamed of my body and weight, and it doesn’t help that all the extra weight makes me tired faster. My dad was diabetic, he died from kidney failure which was all due to him not taking care of himself.

I’ve tried many times to start treating my body better, but i’ve always felt it was impossible, that I could never do it because I’m an extremely picky eater and that there was never going to be anything healthy that I would like. All excuses to stop me from trying because I knew it would be so fucking hard.

It’s been a month. I’ve gone longer without fast food and pop before. My longest was 2 months. But tonight I made BBQ chicken tacos, and yesterday I made herb covered baked chicken and brown rice. I’m facing my fears of touching uncooked chicken, of not cooking chicken the right way?!!? of trying new fucking things. I’m doing this. And I will continue to do it. But I wanted to mark this down today, because these tacos are delicious, and all i had to do was put chicken in a slow cooker and forget about it for 5 hours while I did other things.

I’m proud of myself. And I just wanted to say that. For me. Or for anyone else struggling with eating. It’s hard, but we can do this. ♥